El que quire ser celeste que le cueste!!!

Today….
I took the steps to regain my life, the one I once had,
but I really don’t need anymore…
I asked, over and over, am I living for me, for someone else, living in the now
or for what was my past…
I easily answered myself…my very own question.

The shadows of the past is what I most desperately want to leave behind, yet I find myself chasing constantly, why? Why…why…I ask myself…
is out of fear….
I am only human I say to myself…
I am only human…I say….

What is it to be sought and found…is it your heart? My mind? My soul…or my capacity to love again? What is it….
Can you really find yourself..?
Is it that easy or did I just live this whole time with my eyes closed to the world around me?
Was it you with the eyes closed…?

The “Universe “talks to you in different voices…and at times it screams at you.
This is that one time when you have no other choice but to listen closely to those screams..
Your ears and brain were filled with voices and bullshit, which didn’t allow you to see and feel what was going on around you and everything that surrounded you…

That’s when the “Universe’ decided to drop you on your ass…just like a surfer trapped in the mush, the washing machine tumbles you until you can’t breathe, and all you can do is feel…

Now you listen…
the ride brought you here and you have no other choice but to listen to the good and the bad…
Now you are receptive to life’s lessons…for the simple reason that your existence depends on it…

A very simple lesson, the simplest of reason is that you have been taught the mightiest of life’s lesson’s.

How funny is this “Universe”…now that this joke is on you. You better listen and listen well, because there is nothing else to do but to listen to the “Universe” while you are on your ass…

I am listening….oh…am I listening…

Juan Carlos

Truth # 74

The harder you try, the harder it gets. When you were an ignorant and raging slob, adrift in denial, everything was easy. You simply medicated all problems (Booze, drugs, sex…fill in this blank, it all applies). Everything was cool. A frozen dinner in the oven and a little ‘Daisy Dukes’ on the tube and you had a fine day. Now that you are trying to raise yourself a few levels on Maslow’s hierarchy, nothing you do is good enough. Just remember, that no matter how hard you try, you will eventually fuck up. 

From the Book of Truths by Langdon Towne

After two plus years of getting kicked in the balls, I finally realized an ever eternal truth….I will eventually fuck up, there is highs and there is lows, you have to ride them out. How did an ever eternal soul surfer not realize this…it’s called the blinders of life. Yeah, you know the ones that tell you not to do something, but you do everything you can to ignore. Hell Yeah!!!

If I am going to be a bear, I’m going to be a Grizzly…. If I’m going down, I’m going swinging…the simple question, is at what? I just like to battle to battle, the appeal of the fight is so much stronger than the cause….Then you are what? Fighting to fight, an activist just to be labeled and called that…what is it really that I am going for…or is it just the thrill of the pursuit of the fight? Of course, think about it—-when you train, you philosophize, imagine, or construct an opponent and when it’s not physically there….you chase the dream. I’m a dream chaser…I wish I was more a skirt chaser…then I would have someone to hold me and someone for me to hold on to…

Los

What could be sought and found…is it your mind or mine?

Or your heart? Can you really find yourself? Is it really that easy or do we live our lives this whole time with our eyes closed..?

If I only opened up…, opened up my heart, my mind or my soul. If I only took that moment in time and seized it when I could…would I be at this exact spot feeling this way or would I be alive with happiness and joy? 

Was I walking without any purpose or course this whole time? Did I drift through time? Neither here nor there…what did I do? When did I loose touch?

I breath in and out, the pain and the rain come down on me. I feel everything and still think I have nothing. How can a sponge filled with emotion, not feel a thing…I ask myself. Am I that much of an “Empath” that I absorb everything….feel everything, shake with the fear and pain around me? How can I understand all of this…when am I going to feel me….again?